


Unsent Letters

by robolife



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, also hc disability bc u'll pry the kakashi goes blind hc out of my cold dead hands, canon disability, it's sweet and i'm crying, they're old and they're gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 07:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11157507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robolife/pseuds/robolife
Summary: Gai finds a box of letters with his name on them when he's going through a neglected closet.





	Unsent Letters

They were older, more wrinkles on their faces, they enjoyed quiet things a little more. Sure, they were practically the same as ever, but they were turning into old people- and he was so grateful for it sometimes that tears spilled from his eyes. Gai had never thought he’d live to be this old, live so long there was no way he’d ‘die young’. He knows Kakashi didn’t expect it either. They both were used to living life accepting that they could die soon, expecting it. But now they were older, and they were happy, and they still had each other. Sure, Gai couldn’t walk and he was pretty sure Kakashi couldn’t see (he got around so well, Gai wasn’t sure this still wasn’t some elaborate prank), but they were  _ alive _ . That’s more than most people he knew had gotten. 

 

He found the box in the spring.

 

He’d been trying to do some cleaning, see how many surfaces he could dust in ten minutes, how long it would take to go through some of the boxes they had piled up in an unused closet. That’s where he’d found it- hidden on top of the tallest stack, a small rectangular box. He probably wouldn’t have found it if he hadn’t been going through the whole pile (his upper body strength was still as good as ever, he made sure of that). Gai couldn’t remember ever seeing it before, or ever seeing it before, for that matter. His memory wasn’t exactly the best, though; it never had been. 

 

When he opened the box the first thing he saw was his name written in small, careful handwriting. Gai frowned, picking it up to reveal another one under it, written in the same hand. He recognized it from somewhere, but he couldn’t tell yet. Where had these come from? There were more letters, all addressed to him, the handwriting changing slowly. A few times it was more precise, some it was scrawled as if the writer was in a hurry. About halfway through the pile he finally realized it was Kakashi’s handwriting- the top letters must have been from years and years ago, to be so different from what is was now (or what it had been until fairly recently). He was curious now- why had Kakashi written all of these? And why had Gai never seen them? None of them were sealed, each had a thin string tied around it but that was all that kept them shut. 

 

He set the pile in the box, set the box on his lap, and picked up the first one- the oldest, as far as he could tell. It was only one page, half full of neat, careful letters containing a message to him. 

 

_ Gai, _

_ I’m writing this because you’re the only one left I really care about, and you probably don’t know that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say how much to mean to me out loud, but if I die without you knowing… I don’t like it. I don’t think I’ll die, but I’m going on a mission, and I might. So I’m writing this, and if they respect my wishes you’ll get it if I die. If I don’t then I guess this letter doesn’t matter, but if it does… I’m sorry. You’re my closest friend and I was never able to let you know. At least you know now.  _

_ Kakashi.  _

 

Gai blinked, rereading the letter again, quietly touched. Gai had never doubted Kakashi cared about him back then, but reading it like this somehow made it more concrete- you don’t write “if I die” letters unless you really care. Gai looked back down to the box, was there one for every mission Kakashi had gone on? This was dated years back, probably around when Kakashi had first joined the anbu, if Gai was remembering right. He looked at the box full of letters, all of them no doubt along the same lines- he felt somewhat guilty, like these were a secret he shouldn’t have seen. Still… he wanted to read the rest, see what they all said. 

 

He pulled out the next one, it was only dated a week later, and It was almost lifted from the first one verbatim. Same with the third, and the fourth. Eventually he skipped forward a little, finding one of the shakier ones and opened it. He recognized the date on this one, somewhat, he couldn’t place it though. He looked from the date to the message, this one taking up the whole page instead of just a part of it. 

 

_ Gai, _

~~_ I’m sorry if you’re seeing this _ ~~

~~_ I hope you know how much _ ~~

_ I’m writing this because I’m going on a mission and I don’t know if I’ll die or not. Usually when I write these… it’s a possibility but it never seems likely. I don’t want to die, not without telling you how important you are to me. But I don’t have any time, and you’re not here, and  _ ~~_ something in me is going to break soon and I don’t know if that will happen before you get back _ ~~ _ if you’re reading this then I guess I didn’t get anymore. But I need you to know, because I haven’t been able to say it before and I don’t know if I will, even if you need to know. You’re so important, Gai, you’re so good and kind and everything shinobi should strive to be.  _

_ Usually, I have more time to write these. I take time to choose the words, and I get the point across, and I write it carefully so I don’t think about not coming back. I never expect not to come back, but it’s different this time. Something isn’t right but we can’t figure it out. I knew I’d die young but I never thought it would be this young- I didn’t think it would be younger than my dad. That’s not the point though. _

~~_ I’m sorry this isn’t written well _ ~~

_ Your friendship… it’s the thing I treasure most, I hope you know that. I hope you know that I can’t imagine a life without you, without your challenges, without having you to rely on. If I’m dead, and I guess I am if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you this in person. I’m sorry I couldn’t thank you. I can now, at least.  _

_ Thank you.  _

_ Thank you for not giving up on me, for not letting me give up.  _

_ Thank you for being my rival.  _

_ Kakashi _

 

Gai stared at the letter until his vision blurred and he wiped the tears from his eyes. Gai remembered the date now- it had been around the same time Kakashi had disappeared for two months, only to show up at his window in the middle of the night, bleeding and soaked through with water, practically covered in mud. Gai had forgotten about it, but at the time it had terrified him. Had Kakashi come to his window because of this? He hadn’t ended up saying anything like in the letter for years, but after that he had definitely been… less distant. Gai stared at the letter. It was odd; he knew Kakashi felt this way- they were married, after all- but reading this, remembering his young rival, it made him realize how many times they could have died. How many times they were one bad move away from never getting to this point, to this happiness. 

 

None of the letters after that were quite so messy for a while, but they grew in length each time. Then there was one dated a month before Kakashi had confessed- he knew that date, because Gai counted it as their anniversary (Kakashi said it should be a day later, since Gai had responded by crying, and they had been in the hospital, and the staff kicked Kakashi out, so Gai couldn’t respond with his feelings until Kakashi snuck in the next morning). Gai had been in the hospital after overdoing it and opening the gates, Kakashi had been scheduled to leave for a mission the night after Gai got back into the village. His rival had visited the day before, but he hadn’t said much, definitely Gai would remember now. Gai directed his attention back to the letter.

 

_ Gai.  _

_ If you’re reading this, I’m either dead or I’ve been gone long enough that they know I’d have come back if I wasn’t dead. I’m… not sure what to write. I’ve written so many of these, and none of them have ever been sent, but this one might be, I have no way of knowing.  _

_ You’re in the hospital now, you overdid it again, reckless as always.  _

_ I love that about you, though. I love lots of things about you. I don’t...really want to be confessing from an “in case of death” letter, but I don’t want to die and for you to never know, either.  _

_ You mean so much to me, Gai. I don’t know if I would be ready to say that out loud, but either this letter won’t matter, or I won’t have the time to be ready. But you do, you’re important to me. You always say how you’re dad gave you that rule, about your most important person? Well, I never had any rule like that, but you’re mine. I’d do anything for you, if you asked. It’s kind of alarming, but I guess it doesn’t matter now, not if you’re reading this.  _

_ Sometimes, when you ask for me to pick the challenge, I want to say cloud watching, or getting a nice dinner, or staying inside and talking. Those aren’t challenges, I know, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to ask to do those things otherwise. Maybe, if it were you in my shoes, you would be able to. Maybe not. I think you would be though, you’re braver than you think you are.  _

_ I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way, if you never wanted anything past friendship. It must not be easy to reject a dead man. Or return his feelings, I guess, if you do. I’m sorry if I’m dead. I don’t want to leave you, not without letting you know in person.  _

_ This is the next best thing though, and the only one I can manage, since I can’t confess to you, lying there barely conscious in your hospital bed. I visited you earlier today, you know, but all you said was “Kakashi, my rival! Race me through the halls!” And passed out again.  _

_ I kissed your forehead, I hope you don’t mind.  _

_ I guess there’s not much else to say. It feels weird, ending it like this. What if I don’t come back, and the last thing you have of me is asking if you mind if I kissed your forehead? What if this letter is the last thing left of me? What if they lose it, and you never get it? _

_ I hope that last one isn’t true. _

_ The thing I want most, though, is for this letter to only amount to a waste of paper.  _

 

_ Thank you, Gai. From the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be the same person if it weren’t for you. Thank you for saving me.  _

_ Kakashi _

 

Gai was really crying this time, holding the letters further out so he didn’t get them wet. He didn’t have a name for what he was feeling. He  _ knew _ things were fine, but the idea that he could have lost Kakashi, at any of these moments, that maybe the amount of letters had been smaller, that he would be reading them from a far sadder place… He didn’t want to imagine it. Imagining it left an ache in his chest. 

 

He was about to put the letters back and try to get back into cleaning when he heard the door open, heard Kakashi announce his arrival, then heard a slight ‘oof’ and a stumble. Gai turned around to see him having leaning one arm against the wall, one foot held up in the air, right above a box.

  
“Gai… dear… why is there an object in the middle of the floor, here in the house where one inhabitant uses a wheelchair and the other can’t see?”

 

Gai grinned sheepishly as Kakashi bent down to move the box to the side, then carefully got closer.

 

“Ah, sorry my love! I was cleaning, then got distracted.”

 

“Cleaning the closet we never use and that no one has even opened since we moved in?”

 

“Maybe that’s because we stuffed a bunch of boxes in here and never looked back.”

 

“There’s a good reason for that,”

 

“Don’t make another blind joke, please, I love you but please.”

 

Kakashi gave one of his grins, the ones where his eyes crinkled together, and his nose scrunched, and Gai felt like he was falling in love all over again. Even if it did mean a thousand puns about not being able to see anymore. 

 

“What got you so distracted, anyways?”

 

“Oh, I...uh…”

 

“Gai…”

 

“I found, er, a box of letters, and-”

 

“Oh… my death letters?”

 

“Y-yes?”

 

“How embarrassed should I be?”

 

“Not embarrassed at all! They were touching! I cried!”

 

Kakashi looked thoughtful, then shrugged, reaching forward until Gai grabbed his hand. 

 

“Well, they’re not necessary, because if you really want to hear about how much I love you, all you have to do is ask.”

 

Gai smiled, pulling his husband down and into a hug, laughing,

 

“I know! You’re my man of destiny after all!”

 

Kakashi laughter was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard, and the most touching love letter. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kishimoto stealing old blind Kakashi from us is something I'll never forgive. Also Kakashi and Gai deserve to be happy and in love.


End file.
